What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 08:40
Who then, do I blame.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And i lived it daily.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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One cannot live in the past .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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He knew the spot.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Where can I get sure fixed matches on Instagram?
Put me off passion for life!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Would this be the day?
I don,t even have a pension.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Do humans know everything they need to know?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But, we were locked up after school.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What did i know ?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was very sick at this time too.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I have no regrets .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Ive learnt so much.
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She wouldn,t have been !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
All the time i was locked up.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I said to her
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She found it foreign!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I could never make a relationship work though!
We all went to grammer schools
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why did i forgive my father ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I think the readers, may guess!
As i do to all so called friends.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So, i spoilt her more .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were not on the streets..
I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was in good health!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Comes on , in middle age.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She loved him until the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I write beautiful poetry .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She married twice! .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So whats the point in blame.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My life is so biszare .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
When she asked me how she looked .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I waited trembling.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!